How To Tell If Robots Are Trying To Kill You

Anybody who knows anything will tell you that robots are awesome. They can do kung-fu, fly into space, talk to the internet, and even raise the dead. But how can you tell if a robot is trying to kill you? Read ahead for some tell-tale signs.

1. Robots are going through your trash. Robots are smart, everybody knows that. And these handsome, intrepid machines will go through your garbage to try to find out everything they can before they electrocute you, crush your head with their giant metal boots, or scalp you with their laser vision. If you see robots in the alley feverishly reassembling your shredded bank statements, get the hell out of town.

2. Robots invite you to go "camping". Sure, a weekend out in nature with a couple of bad-ass robots sounds great, but make no mistake, these robots want blood. And you know robots can dig holes so deep that your body won't ever be found. Politely decline the offer and immediately CHANGE THE SUBJECT. Start talking about record players or typewriters. Robots hate this and will wander off after a few seconds and find something else to kill.

3. Suspicious looking robots dressed as power company officials are outside climbing the utility pole. Robots are fiercely intelligent, and incredibly good-looking, so you may just want to stare out the window, admiring their shiny metal luster—but make no mistake, they will cut your power, listen into your phone conversations, read your web pages, and use that information to get close to you, become your friend, and then twenty three years later "accidentally" pour acid on your head at the mall. So don't be a victim. It's common knowledge that robots can't lie: be smart and always ask robots on your utility pole what they are up to. If they say they are planning on killing you, then you know.

4. Robots are applying for a job you posted. If you're looking to hire someone for a job and a robot shows up to the interview, you're as good as dead. Stay calm. Start off with a few simple interview questions, like "Why do you want to work here?" and "What is your worst quality?" BUT BE CAREFUL! You may be so enchanted with this robot that you may start asking dumb-ass questions like, "What's it like to be a robot?" or "How do you stay so shiny?" This is a common pitfall, and a robot will use this weakness to seduce and disintegrate you. Stay focused, and when the robot least expects it, check your notes, then look up and casually and ask him: "Oh, by the way, what's five divided by zero?" This is like robot Kryptonite. The robot will really want to answer the question because he needs the job, but it can't because it doesn't make sense, and it will probably start to shake and it's head might even explode, so take cover under the table or behind a cube wall, and when the smoke clears, you can turn your head to a pretend television camera and say something witty, like "That's correct."

5. A robot asks you if you want to play "chainsaw tag". This is obvious. Run.

6. A robot asks you for directions. Robots don't need fucking directions. Don't be duped into helping a robot find some obscure, strange address in some dark alley. It wants you dead and it'll spray poison gas in your face and use your skin for a robot costume party. Play it cool, wink at the robot, and whisper, "It's cool, man, I'm a robot too." The robot will usually snicker, say something like, "awesome", then shamble off and melt a bank or something.

7. A robot asks you out on a date. Don't be a fool. It may sound exciting, but you REALLY don't want to be on the business end of a 2 ton, nuclear powered, hydraulic booty call. Or maybe you do. Pervert.

8. Robots are serving you food. Robot waiters are probably the greatest invention ever, but don't be swayed by their hollow, metallic French accent, or their uncanny ability to remember your order without a notepad, or the mesmerizing knife-juggling robo-chefs at the Sacremento Benihana. All it takes is a dash of Hemlock in your Chicken Schnitzel, a little extra gas in your Crêpes Flambée, or a "miscalculation" with a torpedoing kitchen knife to end your sorry existence and put the robots one more kill toward total world domination.


Tips

1. Robots don't look like people. If someone is coming after you with a machete and he or she looks human, rest easy, it's not a robot.

How to Spy

Spying is probably the coolest thing you can do. If you want to be rich, spying on rich people will give you the information you need to get rich. If you want to be good at soccer, spying on soccer players is a good idea. Spying is totally awesome and you should do it all the time. Follow these tips to become a great spy.

Steps
1. Dress like a spy. Spies are hard to notice because they're always dressed in black, especially at night. In fact, spies never go out during the day because they're busy examining evidence and having sex. If you don't have any black clothes, get a sharpie or some goddamn spray paint and camoflauge yourself.

2. Act like a spy.
Say no to everything: new cases, money, drinks, even sex. Then, after you say no, you can just take what you want and everybody will respect the shit out of you.

3. Carry a big ass wallet.
Wallets are awesome and show everybody how much money you have. Carry a wallet that you have to unfold five or six times just to get at the money. And make sure there's a shitload of Benjamins in there but don't act like you give a fuck.

4. Drive a car.
Driving a car is one of the coolest things you can do. Chicks love cars and spies always drive when they have to get somewhere. If you don't have a car, get a bicycle and write "Car" on it and if anyone says anything, stare at them for like 5 minutes, then pedal away like a lunatic.

5. Stare at people.
Staring at people is important, especially for a spy. Spies learn by observing shit and most of the time that shit is people who are doing crap that you need to learn about. But don't stop there. If there aren't any people to stare at, stare at bushes, flagpoles, mounds of dirt, kittens, cash machines, whatever. Observe the shit out of this stuff to find hidden clues, and to make sure people who see you know you mean serious business.

6. Smoke angry.
Everybody knows that smoking is addictive, but don't smoke like you need it, smoke like the cigarette is your bitch. Take a drag, then yank it out like a motherfucker and curse and look around to make sure no one is comitting crimes behind you. And always flick your cigarette like 3000 feet away when you're done, never put it out in an ash tray or step on it. That makes you look like an asshole, and spies don't do that shit.

7. Don't fuck around.
The world is filled with jackasses who fuck around like 80% of the time. Real spies NEVER fuck around. In fact you should be the guy telling other people to stop fucking around. And if anyone ever tells YOU to stop fucking around, you make sure to tell them that if they don't immediately fuck off, then you'll show them the real meaning of fucking around, then turn to the nearest stranger and say something like, "Crock of Shit."

Well, that's all it really takes to be a spy. If you follow these rules you can make money and pick up a lot of skills being a spy.

How To "Rick Astley" Someone

In 2007, Internet people created a new web phenomenon called the "Rickroll". Rick Astley was a singer in the 80's.cHis most famous song, "Never Gonna Give You Up" won awards on MTV and a lot of people bought it and listened to it on their phonographs and CB radios. It was this song that inspired the world wide web comedians to "prank" everyone on the Internet by "Rickrolling" them. Here's how to do it:

1. Get an Internet account. Find someone you hate's e-mail address and send them an email with a bogus subject line, like "I Love You", or "Boobs". Then, in the email, attach a picture with the same name, but instead of that, make it a picture of Rick Astley's balls.

2. Find and eat Rick Astley. Poop him out the next day, then put the poop in a bag and put it on someone's porch. Then light it on fire and ring the doorbell. When they come out, they'll stomp on the bag and when they realize that it's Rick Astley, they'll be like "HAAHAHAHAH! You totally got me."

3. Go back in time and get Rick Astley, then go back in time 1 year earlier and get that Rick Astley, then again and again, in 1 year increments. Then take all the Rick Astleys of various ages and put them in a cage in the future and starve them for 10 or 11 days. Then, find someone you want to prank, and dip him in BBQ sauce, then force him into the cage of Rick Astleys and once he realizes what's up, he'll point at you and laugh, "Hahaha, sweet Rickroll." Then the caged horde of Rick Astleys will pounce on him and rip into his flesh with their hungry, gnashing maws.

4. Bury an army of bronze Rick Astleys in the desert. Then, 10,000 years from now when Aliens dig them up, bam!, they'll be all like "Hahaha, are you fucking kidding me? LOL."

5. Run into a pedestrian with your car, then jump out and scream: "Rick Astley, you fucking asshole!"

6. Slap a grandma in the face with a handful of SCRABBLE letters. And when she screams "what the hell was that for?", pick up the letters and spell them out for her and laugh and tell her that you can't believe that she fell for it.

7. Frame somebody for murder, and when they're in the electric chair about to get electrocuted, and the little window opens up to show the family members of the victim, make sure they're not there, just Rick Astley and his band. And then the murderer who you framed will be all like, "Haha! Zzzzt."

How to Help a Ghost

Ghosts are everywhere. Most of the time ghosts appear after a sudden, tragic, emotional event, such as a murder, suicide, or murder-suicide. And for some reason these ghosts just hang around and pound on our radiators, or stare out the window, or screw with us while we're throwing pottery. This is annoying. Unfortunately the only way to stop this nonsense is to help the ghost move on to wherever the hell the stupid thing needs to go. Here's how.

Steps

1. First of all, are you sure it's really a ghost? If you're seeing things that aren't there, you may just be crazy or drunk. Get checked out.

2. Are you sure YOU'RE not a ghost? Ghosts have no idea that they're ghosts. This could be YOU. Seriously... have you been wondering who all those people are in your house, and why they keep rearranging your crap? Are cats constantly hissing at you? When was the last time you went to the bathroom? Think about it.

3. Try to get the ghost's name. Ghosts are notorious for giving people false or misleading information, so you may have to get tricky. Try a little reverse psychology. Tell the ghost something like "I bet you can't tell me your real name." This usually works. However, the ghost won't just step up and tell you its name. It'll want to have some fun at your expense. The ghost may write his name backwards on the inside of your bathroom mirror, or whisper its name backwards to you in your sleep, or pound out its name backwards on the radiator in Morse code in the middle of the night. Buy a good tape recorder from Radio Shack and a dozen or so 90 minute cassette tapes and leave it on record wherever you think the ghost is hanging out. Don't forget to sign up for the Radio Shack battery-a-month club while you're there.


4. Once you've deciphered the ghosts name, head over to your local library and look it up on the microfiche. There will probably be long lines, so you may want to dress like a pirate to make the waiting more fun. People love a good pirate costume and will want to ask you a lot of questions. If no one talks to you, refer to step #2.

5. Use the information you got from the microfiche to start dressing and acting like the ghost. Strut around the house in your gown and petticoat or with your curly pipe, eyepiece, and pocket watch, announcing yourself as the ghost. e.g. "I'm Reginold Brown! What should I, Reginold Brown, do today? Shall I read my favorite morning paper, the Staunton Spectator? Shall I send my good friend, Adelaide Merryweather, a telegram?" (This is a fun thing to do even if you don't have a ghost.)



6. Once you've impersonated the ghost for a while, it's going to start to have an identity crisis and probably totally freak out. Tell-tale signs of a total ghost freak out are: re-arranged furniture, loud moaning sounds, unexpected fires, feces in places where you don't remember putting feces, mutilated photos of you and your family, threats carved into walls which drip blood from the scars, etc, etc, etc.... This is all normal.

7. Once your ghost is good and freaked out, it's time to turn the screws. Use the information you got from the microfiche to reenact its death. If Reginold hung himself, grab a noose and pretend to hang yourself. Maybe say things like "Oh, life is so depressing! I must hang myself to cope with the loss of my true love! The summer of 1864 is the last summer I shall see on this Earth!" String up the noose on a rafter or a pipe and make it look believable. DO NOT ACTUALLY HANG YOURSELF. Seriously, this is not a good time to meet your ghost.

8. Once you are "dead" the ghost SHOULD get it through it's dumb head that it died and it's time to move on. If the moaning and the bleeding walls and the feces stops, and you see the ghost's spirit walk into a beam of heavenly light, congratulations, you have helped a ghost. If not, GET THE HELL OUT. Your ghost is now completely pissed off and totally insane, and will most likely try to steal your body or eat your soul.

How to Test if a Plant is Edible

Drastic times call for drastic measures. If you ever find yourself stranded in the wilderness for several months without food (whether you're on the lamb, have REALLY poor sense of direction, or are just plain dumb), you're going to have to figure out how to feed yourself. If you're well prepared and knowledgeable about the area, you should have no problem finding edible plants, but if you are near death, and can't otherwise positively identify a safe plant to eat, find an internet cafe and follow these guidelines to test for edibility.

Steps

1. Avoid using this method without careful planning. If you get lost, plan ahead by purchasing a guidebook or taxonomic key to help you identify the plants you discover. Ask around. Is anyone else lost? If you see anyone else wandering around in a state of befuddlement or panic, ask them what they are eating. However, if food is scarce, you may want to bind or disable these individuals so they don't steal your food. Restrained humans can also make good subjects if you need to test your plants for poison.

2. Eat the plant. This is what your mouth is for, so this is practically a no-brainer. Be sure to eat the entire plant and chew it up and swallow it as fast as you can. Be patient, poison can take a while to take effect. Try eating a little bit more if you don't feel anything in the first 30 seconds or so. Did it taste like a mouthful of angry bees? Are you bleeding from the rectum? Did you die? The plant may be poisonous. Retest and avoid this plant if you experience similar results.

3. Find out if the plant is contact-poisonous. Disrobe and rub the plant all over your body. This could take a while. Be sure to get it in all the little nooks and crannies. If you get bored easily, try turning it into a game. But be careful not to rub the plant in your eyes. Rub the plant in just one eye, in case it swells up or falls out. You will need the other one for later testing.

4. Perform a blessing. If you are religious, a prayer or a blessing will neutralize the poisonous spirits in the plant. If you are not a spiritual person, try making up a God of your own. Really, really, REALLY focus on believing that this new God exists. If you have any money, throw it in the direction of your God. Kill something and wave it around. This is called Faith. Once you have acquired Faith, perform your blessing. It doesn't matter what you say during your blessing as long as you mention your God's name and say the words "bless" and "fooditem". You may also want to provide motivation for your God so He's more interested in helping you out. For example, "Groth, Swine God of the Underworld, bless this deathcap mushroom so I may have the strength to annihilate the heathen Wolf Children of the Cavern-lands". Gods like this kind of thing. Be creative. Once you've completed your blessing, eat the plant. And eat it like you mean it. Wait a bit. It should work, but if you suddenly can't breathe, or start to slough off skin, rejoice, God has a plan for you.

5. Boil your own urine. This may not help, but it will make you feel like you are doing the right thing, and that's half the battle.

6. Pay attention to what the wild animals are eating. Poke around for bears, lions, rhinos—anything that looks like it has a big appetite. Try and get up close to see what they're dining on. If you can't find any, try making a lot of noise or running around at night. Wild animals are curious by nature and will leave their holes or caves or giant webs to see what all the fuss is about.

7. Mix the plant with something else. This is called alchemy and is an ancient and secret technique used by wizards and sorcerers. Crush up the plant in a mortar and stir in bloodroot, yarrow, feces, or anything else with a cool sounding name to create a life saving paste or elixir. In addition to providing sustenance, it will also increase your manna.

8. Get angry. Actually, this is good advice in almost any scenario, but in a survival situation it is absolutely vital. Get stinking mad and eat everything you can find. Anger gives you the confidence and wherewithal to overcome even the deadliest of poisons.

9. Congratulations! You have successfully learned how to test a plant for edibility. Put your newly acquired survival skills to the test.