How to Help a Ghost

Ghosts are everywhere. Most of the time ghosts appear after a sudden, tragic, emotional event, such as a murder, suicide, or murder-suicide. And for some reason these ghosts just hang around and pound on our radiators, or stare out the window, or screw with us while we're throwing pottery. This is annoying. Unfortunately the only way to stop this nonsense is to help the ghost move on to wherever the hell the stupid thing needs to go. Here's how.

Steps

1. First of all, are you sure it's really a ghost? If you're seeing things that aren't there, you may just be crazy or drunk. Get checked out.

2. Are you sure YOU'RE not a ghost? Ghosts have no idea that they're ghosts. This could be YOU. Seriously... have you been wondering who all those people are in your house, and why they keep rearranging your crap? Are cats constantly hissing at you? When was the last time you went to the bathroom? Think about it.

3. Try to get the ghost's name. Ghosts are notorious for giving people false or misleading information, so you may have to get tricky. Try a little reverse psychology. Tell the ghost something like "I bet you can't tell me your real name." This usually works. However, the ghost won't just step up and tell you its name. It'll want to have some fun at your expense. The ghost may write his name backwards on the inside of your bathroom mirror, or whisper its name backwards to you in your sleep, or pound out its name backwards on the radiator in Morse code in the middle of the night. Buy a good tape recorder from Radio Shack and a dozen or so 90 minute cassette tapes and leave it on record wherever you think the ghost is hanging out. Don't forget to sign up for the Radio Shack battery-a-month club while you're there.


4. Once you've deciphered the ghosts name, head over to your local library and look it up on the microfiche. There will probably be long lines, so you may want to dress like a pirate to make the waiting more fun. People love a good pirate costume and will want to ask you a lot of questions. If no one talks to you, refer to step #2.

5. Use the information you got from the microfiche to start dressing and acting like the ghost. Strut around the house in your gown and petticoat or with your curly pipe, eyepiece, and pocket watch, announcing yourself as the ghost. e.g. "I'm Reginold Brown! What should I, Reginold Brown, do today? Shall I read my favorite morning paper, the Staunton Spectator? Shall I send my good friend, Adelaide Merryweather, a telegram?" (This is a fun thing to do even if you don't have a ghost.)



6. Once you've impersonated the ghost for a while, it's going to start to have an identity crisis and probably totally freak out. Tell-tale signs of a total ghost freak out are: re-arranged furniture, loud moaning sounds, unexpected fires, feces in places where you don't remember putting feces, mutilated photos of you and your family, threats carved into walls which drip blood from the scars, etc, etc, etc.... This is all normal.

7. Once your ghost is good and freaked out, it's time to turn the screws. Use the information you got from the microfiche to reenact its death. If Reginold hung himself, grab a noose and pretend to hang yourself. Maybe say things like "Oh, life is so depressing! I must hang myself to cope with the loss of my true love! The summer of 1864 is the last summer I shall see on this Earth!" String up the noose on a rafter or a pipe and make it look believable. DO NOT ACTUALLY HANG YOURSELF. Seriously, this is not a good time to meet your ghost.

8. Once you are "dead" the ghost SHOULD get it through it's dumb head that it died and it's time to move on. If the moaning and the bleeding walls and the feces stops, and you see the ghost's spirit walk into a beam of heavenly light, congratulations, you have helped a ghost. If not, GET THE HELL OUT. Your ghost is now completely pissed off and totally insane, and will most likely try to steal your body or eat your soul.

How to Test if a Plant is Edible

Drastic times call for drastic measures. If you ever find yourself stranded in the wilderness for several months without food (whether you're on the lamb, have REALLY poor sense of direction, or are just plain dumb), you're going to have to figure out how to feed yourself. If you're well prepared and knowledgeable about the area, you should have no problem finding edible plants, but if you are near death, and can't otherwise positively identify a safe plant to eat, find an internet cafe and follow these guidelines to test for edibility.

Steps

1. Avoid using this method without careful planning. If you get lost, plan ahead by purchasing a guidebook or taxonomic key to help you identify the plants you discover. Ask around. Is anyone else lost? If you see anyone else wandering around in a state of befuddlement or panic, ask them what they are eating. However, if food is scarce, you may want to bind or disable these individuals so they don't steal your food. Restrained humans can also make good subjects if you need to test your plants for poison.

2. Eat the plant. This is what your mouth is for, so this is practically a no-brainer. Be sure to eat the entire plant and chew it up and swallow it as fast as you can. Be patient, poison can take a while to take effect. Try eating a little bit more if you don't feel anything in the first 30 seconds or so. Did it taste like a mouthful of angry bees? Are you bleeding from the rectum? Did you die? The plant may be poisonous. Retest and avoid this plant if you experience similar results.

3. Find out if the plant is contact-poisonous. Disrobe and rub the plant all over your body. This could take a while. Be sure to get it in all the little nooks and crannies. If you get bored easily, try turning it into a game. But be careful not to rub the plant in your eyes. Rub the plant in just one eye, in case it swells up or falls out. You will need the other one for later testing.

4. Perform a blessing. If you are religious, a prayer or a blessing will neutralize the poisonous spirits in the plant. If you are not a spiritual person, try making up a God of your own. Really, really, REALLY focus on believing that this new God exists. If you have any money, throw it in the direction of your God. Kill something and wave it around. This is called Faith. Once you have acquired Faith, perform your blessing. It doesn't matter what you say during your blessing as long as you mention your God's name and say the words "bless" and "fooditem". You may also want to provide motivation for your God so He's more interested in helping you out. For example, "Groth, Swine God of the Underworld, bless this deathcap mushroom so I may have the strength to annihilate the heathen Wolf Children of the Cavern-lands". Gods like this kind of thing. Be creative. Once you've completed your blessing, eat the plant. And eat it like you mean it. Wait a bit. It should work, but if you suddenly can't breathe, or start to slough off skin, rejoice, God has a plan for you.

5. Boil your own urine. This may not help, but it will make you feel like you are doing the right thing, and that's half the battle.

6. Pay attention to what the wild animals are eating. Poke around for bears, lions, rhinos—anything that looks like it has a big appetite. Try and get up close to see what they're dining on. If you can't find any, try making a lot of noise or running around at night. Wild animals are curious by nature and will leave their holes or caves or giant webs to see what all the fuss is about.

7. Mix the plant with something else. This is called alchemy and is an ancient and secret technique used by wizards and sorcerers. Crush up the plant in a mortar and stir in bloodroot, yarrow, feces, or anything else with a cool sounding name to create a life saving paste or elixir. In addition to providing sustenance, it will also increase your manna.

8. Get angry. Actually, this is good advice in almost any scenario, but in a survival situation it is absolutely vital. Get stinking mad and eat everything you can find. Anger gives you the confidence and wherewithal to overcome even the deadliest of poisons.

9. Congratulations! You have successfully learned how to test a plant for edibility. Put your newly acquired survival skills to the test.