How to Help a Ghost

Ghosts are everywhere. Most of the time ghosts appear after a sudden, tragic, emotional event, such as a murder, suicide, or murder-suicide. And for some reason these ghosts just hang around and pound on our radiators, or stare out the window, or screw with us while we're throwing pottery. This is annoying. Unfortunately the only way to stop this nonsense is to help the ghost move on to wherever the hell the stupid thing needs to go. Here's how.

Steps

1. First of all, are you sure it's really a ghost? If you're seeing things that aren't there, you may just be crazy or drunk. Get checked out.

2. Are you sure YOU'RE not a ghost? Ghosts have no idea that they're ghosts. This could be YOU. Seriously... have you been wondering who all those people are in your house, and why they keep rearranging your crap? Are cats constantly hissing at you? When was the last time you went to the bathroom? Think about it.

3. Try to get the ghost's name. Ghosts are notorious for giving people false or misleading information, so you may have to get tricky. Try a little reverse psychology. Tell the ghost something like "I bet you can't tell me your real name." This usually works. However, the ghost won't just step up and tell you its name. It'll want to have some fun at your expense. The ghost may write his name backwards on the inside of your bathroom mirror, or whisper its name backwards to you in your sleep, or pound out its name backwards on the radiator in Morse code in the middle of the night. Buy a good tape recorder from Radio Shack and a dozen or so 90 minute cassette tapes and leave it on record wherever you think the ghost is hanging out. Don't forget to sign up for the Radio Shack battery-a-month club while you're there.


4. Once you've deciphered the ghosts name, head over to your local library and look it up on the microfiche. There will probably be long lines, so you may want to dress like a pirate to make the waiting more fun. People love a good pirate costume and will want to ask you a lot of questions. If no one talks to you, refer to step #2.

5. Use the information you got from the microfiche to start dressing and acting like the ghost. Strut around the house in your gown and petticoat or with your curly pipe, eyepiece, and pocket watch, announcing yourself as the ghost. e.g. "I'm Reginold Brown! What should I, Reginold Brown, do today? Shall I read my favorite morning paper, the Staunton Spectator? Shall I send my good friend, Adelaide Merryweather, a telegram?" (This is a fun thing to do even if you don't have a ghost.)



6. Once you've impersonated the ghost for a while, it's going to start to have an identity crisis and probably totally freak out. Tell-tale signs of a total ghost freak out are: re-arranged furniture, loud moaning sounds, unexpected fires, feces in places where you don't remember putting feces, mutilated photos of you and your family, threats carved into walls which drip blood from the scars, etc, etc, etc.... This is all normal.

7. Once your ghost is good and freaked out, it's time to turn the screws. Use the information you got from the microfiche to reenact its death. If Reginold hung himself, grab a noose and pretend to hang yourself. Maybe say things like "Oh, life is so depressing! I must hang myself to cope with the loss of my true love! The summer of 1864 is the last summer I shall see on this Earth!" String up the noose on a rafter or a pipe and make it look believable. DO NOT ACTUALLY HANG YOURSELF. Seriously, this is not a good time to meet your ghost.

8. Once you are "dead" the ghost SHOULD get it through it's dumb head that it died and it's time to move on. If the moaning and the bleeding walls and the feces stops, and you see the ghost's spirit walk into a beam of heavenly light, congratulations, you have helped a ghost. If not, GET THE HELL OUT. Your ghost is now completely pissed off and totally insane, and will most likely try to steal your body or eat your soul.