How To Tell If Robots Are Trying To Kill You

Anybody who knows anything will tell you that robots are awesome. They can do kung-fu, fly into space, talk to the internet, and even raise the dead. But how can you tell if a robot is trying to kill you? Read ahead for some tell-tale signs.

1. Robots are going through your trash. Robots are smart, everybody knows that. And these handsome, intrepid machines will go through your garbage to try to find out everything they can before they electrocute you, crush your head with their giant metal boots, or scalp you with their laser vision. If you see robots in the alley feverishly reassembling your shredded bank statements, get the hell out of town.

2. Robots invite you to go "camping". Sure, a weekend out in nature with a couple of bad-ass robots sounds great, but make no mistake, these robots want blood. And you know robots can dig holes so deep that your body won't ever be found. Politely decline the offer and immediately CHANGE THE SUBJECT. Start talking about record players or typewriters. Robots hate this and will wander off after a few seconds and find something else to kill.

3. Suspicious looking robots dressed as power company officials are outside climbing the utility pole. Robots are fiercely intelligent, and incredibly good-looking, so you may just want to stare out the window, admiring their shiny metal luster—but make no mistake, they will cut your power, listen into your phone conversations, read your web pages, and use that information to get close to you, become your friend, and then twenty three years later "accidentally" pour acid on your head at the mall. So don't be a victim. It's common knowledge that robots can't lie: be smart and always ask robots on your utility pole what they are up to. If they say they are planning on killing you, then you know.

4. Robots are applying for a job you posted. If you're looking to hire someone for a job and a robot shows up to the interview, you're as good as dead. Stay calm. Start off with a few simple interview questions, like "Why do you want to work here?" and "What is your worst quality?" BUT BE CAREFUL! You may be so enchanted with this robot that you may start asking dumb-ass questions like, "What's it like to be a robot?" or "How do you stay so shiny?" This is a common pitfall, and a robot will use this weakness to seduce and disintegrate you. Stay focused, and when the robot least expects it, check your notes, then look up and casually and ask him: "Oh, by the way, what's five divided by zero?" This is like robot Kryptonite. The robot will really want to answer the question because he needs the job, but it can't because it doesn't make sense, and it will probably start to shake and it's head might even explode, so take cover under the table or behind a cube wall, and when the smoke clears, you can turn your head to a pretend television camera and say something witty, like "That's correct."

5. A robot asks you if you want to play "chainsaw tag". This is obvious. Run.

6. A robot asks you for directions. Robots don't need fucking directions. Don't be duped into helping a robot find some obscure, strange address in some dark alley. It wants you dead and it'll spray poison gas in your face and use your skin for a robot costume party. Play it cool, wink at the robot, and whisper, "It's cool, man, I'm a robot too." The robot will usually snicker, say something like, "awesome", then shamble off and melt a bank or something.

7. A robot asks you out on a date. Don't be a fool. It may sound exciting, but you REALLY don't want to be on the business end of a 2 ton, nuclear powered, hydraulic booty call. Or maybe you do. Pervert.

8. Robots are serving you food. Robot waiters are probably the greatest invention ever, but don't be swayed by their hollow, metallic French accent, or their uncanny ability to remember your order without a notepad, or the mesmerizing knife-juggling robo-chefs at the Sacremento Benihana. All it takes is a dash of Hemlock in your Chicken Schnitzel, a little extra gas in your Crêpes Flambée, or a "miscalculation" with a torpedoing kitchen knife to end your sorry existence and put the robots one more kill toward total world domination.


Tips

1. Robots don't look like people. If someone is coming after you with a machete and he or she looks human, rest easy, it's not a robot.

How to Spy

Spying is probably the coolest thing you can do. If you want to be rich, spying on rich people will give you the information you need to get rich. If you want to be good at soccer, spying on soccer players is a good idea. Spying is totally awesome and you should do it all the time. Follow these tips to become a great spy.

Steps
1. Dress like a spy. Spies are hard to notice because they're always dressed in black, especially at night. In fact, spies never go out during the day because they're busy examining evidence and having sex. If you don't have any black clothes, get a sharpie or some goddamn spray paint and camoflauge yourself.

2. Act like a spy.
Say no to everything: new cases, money, drinks, even sex. Then, after you say no, you can just take what you want and everybody will respect the shit out of you.

3. Carry a big ass wallet.
Wallets are awesome and show everybody how much money you have. Carry a wallet that you have to unfold five or six times just to get at the money. And make sure there's a shitload of Benjamins in there but don't act like you give a fuck.

4. Drive a car.
Driving a car is one of the coolest things you can do. Chicks love cars and spies always drive when they have to get somewhere. If you don't have a car, get a bicycle and write "Car" on it and if anyone says anything, stare at them for like 5 minutes, then pedal away like a lunatic.

5. Stare at people.
Staring at people is important, especially for a spy. Spies learn by observing shit and most of the time that shit is people who are doing crap that you need to learn about. But don't stop there. If there aren't any people to stare at, stare at bushes, flagpoles, mounds of dirt, kittens, cash machines, whatever. Observe the shit out of this stuff to find hidden clues, and to make sure people who see you know you mean serious business.

6. Smoke angry.
Everybody knows that smoking is addictive, but don't smoke like you need it, smoke like the cigarette is your bitch. Take a drag, then yank it out like a motherfucker and curse and look around to make sure no one is comitting crimes behind you. And always flick your cigarette like 3000 feet away when you're done, never put it out in an ash tray or step on it. That makes you look like an asshole, and spies don't do that shit.

7. Don't fuck around.
The world is filled with jackasses who fuck around like 80% of the time. Real spies NEVER fuck around. In fact you should be the guy telling other people to stop fucking around. And if anyone ever tells YOU to stop fucking around, you make sure to tell them that if they don't immediately fuck off, then you'll show them the real meaning of fucking around, then turn to the nearest stranger and say something like, "Crock of Shit."

Well, that's all it really takes to be a spy. If you follow these rules you can make money and pick up a lot of skills being a spy.