How to Spy

Spying is probably the coolest thing you can do. If you want to be rich, spying on rich people will give you the information you need to get rich. If you want to be good at soccer, spying on soccer players is a good idea. Spying is totally awesome and you should do it all the time. Follow these tips to become a great spy.

Steps
1. Dress like a spy. Spies are hard to notice because they're always dressed in black, especially at night. In fact, spies never go out during the day because they're busy examining evidence and having sex. If you don't have any black clothes, get a sharpie or some goddamn spray paint and camoflauge yourself.

2. Act like a spy.
Say no to everything: new cases, money, drinks, even sex. Then, after you say no, you can just take what you want and everybody will respect the shit out of you.

3. Carry a big ass wallet.
Wallets are awesome and show everybody how much money you have. Carry a wallet that you have to unfold five or six times just to get at the money. And make sure there's a shitload of Benjamins in there but don't act like you give a fuck.

4. Drive a car.
Driving a car is one of the coolest things you can do. Chicks love cars and spies always drive when they have to get somewhere. If you don't have a car, get a bicycle and write "Car" on it and if anyone says anything, stare at them for like 5 minutes, then pedal away like a lunatic.

5. Stare at people.
Staring at people is important, especially for a spy. Spies learn by observing shit and most of the time that shit is people who are doing crap that you need to learn about. But don't stop there. If there aren't any people to stare at, stare at bushes, flagpoles, mounds of dirt, kittens, cash machines, whatever. Observe the shit out of this stuff to find hidden clues, and to make sure people who see you know you mean serious business.

6. Smoke angry.
Everybody knows that smoking is addictive, but don't smoke like you need it, smoke like the cigarette is your bitch. Take a drag, then yank it out like a motherfucker and curse and look around to make sure no one is comitting crimes behind you. And always flick your cigarette like 3000 feet away when you're done, never put it out in an ash tray or step on it. That makes you look like an asshole, and spies don't do that shit.

7. Don't fuck around.
The world is filled with jackasses who fuck around like 80% of the time. Real spies NEVER fuck around. In fact you should be the guy telling other people to stop fucking around. And if anyone ever tells YOU to stop fucking around, you make sure to tell them that if they don't immediately fuck off, then you'll show them the real meaning of fucking around, then turn to the nearest stranger and say something like, "Crock of Shit."

Well, that's all it really takes to be a spy. If you follow these rules you can make money and pick up a lot of skills being a spy.